Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
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(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
This will teach them to underestimate me
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV