@SadMeterologist: My neighbors are organizing something called a "fun run". This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
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@bransonreese: Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
@TheMichaelRock: What's up with these people in Pakistan getting stoned to death? What kind of weed are they growing there?
@JennyJohnsonHi5: I'd love to hear an actor honestly answer the "How did you prepare for today?" red carpet question with "Cocaine and sit ups." #GoldenGlobes
@GeorgeTakei: So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.