My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
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Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts