My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
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Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Childbirth is so beautiful
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.