@tastefactory: My neighbors complain about me throwing my cigarette butts on the lawn but they'll be pumped when a cigarette tree sprouts in the spring
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@JermHimselfish: *takes a home pregnancy test* *finds out home is pregnant* *calls a carpenter to find out if it's gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
@TheRolo: And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like "Naw, I'll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!"
@jazmasta: *ex GF pulls up to drive thru where I work* "Big mac please" "Would u like LIES with that?!" *my boss dragging me away* "LIES, LUCY.. LIES!"
@darksidedeb: I've started slipping an occasional "meow" into everyday conversations with people to see if they're really listening meow to me.