*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
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Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
is nasa ok
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Software Development ⛵️
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
SCARY COSTUME
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.