@ClearCipher: My neighbor's diary says I have boundary issues.
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@Reverend_Scott: WIFE: What are you doing? ME: IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE WIFE: You're giving the dog a manicure? ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
@dragonsorbet: [Picking up girls] Me: you like bad boys, huh? Girls: yea Me to my wing man: tell them Wing man: he's just literally the worst
@_shellzbellzzz_: My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
@qwertying: Husband: Why are there broken condoms on our couch? Wife: Would you please call our children by their real names.