@ClearCipher: My neighbor's diary says I have boundary issues.
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@SortaBad: "President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?" The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
@themorris23: If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like "whatever Jesus, the book was better."
@WilliamAder: Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective. Wife: Those are earmuffs.