My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
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Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Florida be like…
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
Should I call tech support or pray or what
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson