My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
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Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
What
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler