My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
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screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.