@215potter: My neighbor's facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
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@_ironworx_: Stop tweeting MORNING WOOD jokes! You get followed by timber accounts and woodpeckers. Unless you’re building an Ark. In that case carry on
@hippieswordfish: HEAD OF THE NATIONAL WEATHER SEVICE: so how will we name all these hurricanes? GARY, WHOS BEEN DIVORCED 31 TIMES: i have an idea
@KeetPotato: wife: we should go before you saying something stupid me: ok wife: [to widow] lovely funeral service me: yeah lets do this again sometime
@SnizzleFrizzle: My moral compass must run on solar power, because it never seems to work after dark.