My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
You Might Also Like
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school