My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
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Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
Real House Wines.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.