My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
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her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.