My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
You Might Also Like
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Strangers have the best candy.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Cashiers are always checking me out
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
stand with me against insufficient seating