My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
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Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
#milo
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Squirrels before girls.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it