@envydatropic: My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
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@ArfMeasures: [after my murder] COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him? WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
@iamspacegirl: Dog *just lookin at me* Me: go lay down Dog: ok. Cat *kneading her claws into my stomach* Me *wincing*: thank you Cat: damn right thank you
@QwertyJones3: An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.