@envydatropic: My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
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@Kennedydp5: I couldn't remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
@chrissyteigen: i have a very sore throat & your suggestion of a shot of whiskey only helped in the way that i no longer care about my extremely sore throat
@Epygma: "Do you want to go out on a date?" *sweats nervously* I C-CAN'T "Why?" *shoots friend next to him* I HAVE TO GO TO A FRIEND'S FUNERAL