Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
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Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
so, is there a mister shapen head
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
The news in a nutshell.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.