My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
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Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”