My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
You Might Also Like
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”