My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
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People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Mountain Goat : )
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.