That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
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Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.