@BitchyJasmine: My neighbors loved the music so much when I turned it up, that they invited the police to listen. :)
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@StellaRtwot: We wouldn't really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
@david8hughes: [in church] "And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins." [vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
@tiffaynay: Burger King employee: what size [drink] would you like? Me (thinking she said 'side'): fries. BK: What? Me: *more forcefully* fries.
@riscfuture: Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”