@BitchyJasmine: My neighbors loved the music so much when I turned it up, that they invited the police to listen. :)
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@KattsDogma: Meghan Trainor songs: -All About That Bass -Flounder's Good Too -Also I Like Shrimp -Wait, I'm a Vegan -All About That Kale
@SharkJelly: [At Adele Concert] Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
@squirrel74wkgn: [dinner w/friends] "How long you two been married?" It's been thirt- (wife shaking head) teenish twenty- (still shaking) for a long time.
@LackOfShame: Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.