My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
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Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N