My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
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Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.