@IamEveryDayPpl: My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@_troyjohnson: 5yo: "Dad we don't have a chimney. How will Santa get in?" Me: Probably through my credit card. 5: what? Me: what?
@RobElliottComic: When I order delivery online and there's a "Notes" box I put "Ring bell, Cross moat, SLAY DRAGON" *Puts on dragon costume *Waits in bushes
@psybermonkey: [Getting back into van after museum heist] Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
@JesKeepSwimming: I'm sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.