My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
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The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.