My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
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Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
How to draw a duck
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.