When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
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The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower