Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
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Guilty! 🤪
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Hit me in the face with a bird
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”