Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
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my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.