Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
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My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same