@Jen_says_nah: My neighbour has diabetes and now she won't make me cupcakes anymore, its like bad things always happen to me.
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@Reverend_Scott: DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo] DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo? DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
@biatchppplease: My 6 yr old just asked if I'm a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
@platinum2000: "How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?" *I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
@turdfailure: I didn't get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me