@slimmy_shady: My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
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@envydatropic: My greatest fear is that I'll be reported as a missing person and my family guesstimates my weight way higher than what I actually weigh
@DamienFahey: Just used the holiday card with your kid's face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
@Bownuggets: I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
@Sir_Strange: Women who don't even acknowledge your existence just want you to try harder. I recommend hiding naked in her closet with a block of cheese.