@slimmy_shady: My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
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@collegefession: "I always keep a textbook with me when I hook up with girls so there's no walk of shame I'm an early morning scholar #3.9GPA" - NSU
@KateWhineHall: If I ever really want my kids' attention I can just make a YouTube video of me "unboxing" whatever I need to say.
@skickwriter: My microwave broke. So, we're finding innovative alternatives. Did y'all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.