My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
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Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?