Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
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Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!