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SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
@funTweeters
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.