My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
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Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
haha same
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Smile Twitter, Smile.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao