My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
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My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.