Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
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*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.