doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
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me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Mountain Goat : )
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments