I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers