[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
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My what?
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.