My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
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Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom