@notfaizzy: My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
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@caliraingirl: Everyone should have that "tester" first twitter account to screw up and learn from... You know, kinda like that first child you have.
@causticbob: My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early. It was a picture of her at the airport.
@A_New_Chapter_: I will not kill my coworkers I will not kill my coworkers I will not.... Maybe just one...
@ashmensch: "Excuse me, but the sign says 'No shirt, no shoes, no service.' It doesn't say a goddamn thing about no pants." - Me, drunk at Target