@notfaizzy: My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
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@TribalSpaceCat: PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
@MichaelTrying: If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
@10InchesPlus: "Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!" - literally no one ever
@itshotterhere: Never trust someone who says you're more important than cheese. It's an obvious lie.