@notfaizzy: My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
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@jakob_huber: The worst part of Aquaman's day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
@heatherlou_: Why is aggravated murder a charge? There's never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
@BGH70: When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, "significantly less bleeding." Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
@iwearaonesie: my brother turned 30 this weekend and i'll never forget what mom said when dad told her we're growing up too fast "they're eating dog food"