My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
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babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Meow
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah