@skullpuppy11: My neighbours probably think I'm getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
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@noog: *invents time machine* *goes to 1930 germany* *points guns at young hitler* What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
@MumsieEsq: Tweets are like your children: you love them all at first, you never know how they’ll age, and most of them you regret creating.
@WheelTod: Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I'm pretty sure it's because I'm gay.
@Tmoney68: [Job Interview] Boss: What is your best trait? Me: Procrastination. B: How is that a positive? M: I'll give you my reasons. Later.