@1Happytwit: My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
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@brianbowman73: Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It's for birth control. Me: I didn't even know an arm could get pregnant.
@Dustinkcouch: If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I'd have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
@ndiquote: interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth? me: my ex’s heart interviewer: me: interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
@Jenny4ashley: I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn't even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.