@1Happytwit: My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
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@kumailn: "Wow there are a lot of non-brown people in Gaza." - anyone tuning into Ferguson coverage late
@BBQJones28: Shout out to the dude who's followed and unfollowed approximately 25632 times this week.
@XplodingUnicorn: Friend: I set a new personal record last week Me: Me too Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.