@1Happytwit: My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
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@DominicStraw: Barber: What would you like today? Me: Make me look attractive. Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
@sad_tree: *a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center* Put it all on Grey
@_ElvishPresley_: Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
@ibid78: "Sir your résumé says you can read minds." "Yup. And you're thinking 'Why would he put that on a résumé?'" "Oh. My. God. You're hired."