My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
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*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron