hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
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nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Yes, this is exactly right
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.