I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
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[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
The hardest thing Vision has to do
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
man i love columbo
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up