@ShortWhiteNUgly: My nephew asked me what marriage was like. So I gave him a candy bar and told him not to eat it.
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@XplodingUnicorn: Me: Why do you love me? Wife: *shrugs* Me: Why do you find me annoying? Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
@just1fool: I just watched one bird chase another bird from tree to tree for five minutes. It was probably over a stolen tweet.