@realHamOnWry: My nephew asked, "What's the secret to a long life?" I said, "Never order vegetarian in Texas"
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@jwoodham: What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
@AnOrangeSNES: In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn't my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
@junejuly12: Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there Really hoping this is Halloween related
@daemonic3: WIFE: OMG how did grandma's ashes get knocked off the mantel? ME: Actually I think it was- *cat makes throat slice gesture* -the wind