@realHamOnWry: My nephew asked, "What's the secret to a long life?" I said, "Never order vegetarian in Texas"
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@FredPirollo: "Sir can I ask you why you're smoking TWO huge cops?" Blunt, i'm *turns to camera* Doing this tweet wrong *Blunt just stares in confusion*
@13spencer: If you're walking down the street and see a teenager, don't panic; just yell "One Direction selfie twerk" and slip away in the confusion.