Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
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*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Has there ever been a more American story?
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.