My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
You Might Also Like
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Meow?
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…