[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
You Might Also Like
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”