I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
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Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.